my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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