Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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