so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
