Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
