Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
