Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
