He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
