Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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