he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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