i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
