Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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