OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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