apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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