His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
