i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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