when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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