apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
