I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
