i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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