I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
