So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
