when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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