Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
