the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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