does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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