If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
