the condom got lost in my hair
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
wow bdsm is so cute
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
