I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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