Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
