I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
