I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We were destined to go to rehab together
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
