I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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