Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
