I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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