Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
