There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
