I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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