Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
