You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
