that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
