things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
