Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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