my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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