I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
