I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
