Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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