just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
