upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
