You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
