I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
