She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
