Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
